Kids’ Stuff: Tochts fae Tushie Truncherfaece

TroWii Games

You’d be surprised hoo a modern trow passes da time. Eenoo we canna geng furt. Wi 24 hoor daylicht da risk o bein turned tae ston isna wort takin. So we hae tae occupy wirsels undergroond.

Da 21st century trow plays TroWii. Da very latest computer console dat lets you git your claas on da action. I wisna keen at first. But da bairns persuaded me wi da promise dey widna be lyin undergroond laek weet cloots, dey wid git a grain o exercise.

So wir TroWii wis ordered fae newfangledtrow.com an wis here in nae time ava. Da bairns wir owergeen wi excitement.
“We hae tae try Trowie Trix first!” roared Muttontief as he rived da cellophane aff a game.

“Na, Trowmania is far better” said Ugglelugs snatchin hit oot o his claas.

“Noo den,” I warned. “Nae faain oot. Muttontief said Trowie Trix first an he is da aaldest,” I said wi some authority. I didna mention I hed a notion in dat game an aa.

So Muttontief got da game fired up. “In dis een du’s a trow oot tiefin as much maet as du can fin.”

“A’ll be guid at dat,” I said snatchin da controls. “Whit do i dae?”

“Better shaa dee,” said Muttontief snatchin dem back. “Du can score points for whit du tiefs; five points for tatties or kale, 10 points for half a dizen eiggs or 20 for flooer or mylk. Flesh is da high scorers. Thirty points for mutton an 40 for beef.”

Already Muttontief wis spangin aboot wi da controls an on da screen you could see him gadderin tatties oot a rig den henkin ower da hill tae mylk a coo. Den he wis usin da controls laek a bow an arrow tae shoot at kye an sheep. Of coorse, Muttontief has a guid vynd for dis kinda wark. Wha widna wi a name laek his? His score wis weel ower twa hunder an he wis still firin arrows.

“A’ll be listed as a tap scorer!” said Muttontief wi his een nearly sprootin oot o his head. Den suddenly da peerie trow on da screen froze solid. A glowerit sun rose ahint da hill an da wirds “Sorry, du’s a ston on da hillside” rolled across da screen.

Muttontief dooned da controls tae dort. “Better luck nixt time,” I said.

Gutteryaggle an Snurtysleeves wir keen tae git goin wi Da Paet Raiser. Hit wis a straightforward challenge atween twa players tae see wha can raise paets da neatest and quickest. Da pair o dem sneestered an giggled as dey bent dooble wi da controls.

Snurtysleeves gied a smeeg o satisfaction when he’d feenished raisin first. Whit a sook in he got when hit wis declared on da screen dat Gutteryaggle wis da neatest raiser an da winner!

Da nixt game wi tried I wis a bit wary o. Wi a name laek Trowshot hit mebbe widna be suitable for da bairns. So, bein da guid parent dat I am, I tried hit oot first. Tankfully hit didna contain da violence against trows I lippenin. Hit wis annider game wi trowie bows an arrows. I hed tae shoot enoch coos tae supply flesh for a Yule supper.

“Waatch an learn fae dee aald faider,” I said tae Muttontief, wha wis still dortin.

Firin arrows at da kye wis nae budder, I’d done hit aften enoch afore. Hit wis da reward dat wis mair o a challenge.
Wance I hed enoch flesh da nixt level wis tae attend a rant. Hit wis a peety I couldna aet ony o da fine supper laid oot afore me. But da fiddle music wis splendid. Tae feenish level two I hed tae dance laek A’m niver danced afore.

“Da, du’s surely no feelin wabbit?” axed Muttontief wi a smeeg. I shook my head.

“I doot du is,” said Uggledlugs. “Du can gie up an let me try Trowmania.”

“I’ll no be gaein up,” I peched.

An I didna. Be da time hit flashed up on da screen dat I wis feenished level two I wis pechin. I oaged ower tae da fire an lay in my restin chair laek a weet cloot.

An A’ll tell you wan thing aboot TroWii. You mebbe dunna git much fresh air but hit canna half gie you spaegie!

Tushie Truncherfaece x