Ode ta da AFB

In reply to Kathy Hubbard’s letter where she assures me that the “doggy movie” did not cost the public a penny, fair play to her on that one. However, does Shetland really need the kind of publicity that such a news item would have generated? I always imagined that the people who came here, came because of the beautiful scenery, the wildlife and the peace and quiet.

The fact that there are some great pubs with people playing excellent local music as well is an added bonus. I can’t imagine someone from south would eschew their local 20 screen multiplex for the opportunity to watch a movie in a bus shelter, regardless of how luxurious it is!

Another “event” which had me puzzled is that Mirrie Dancers malarkey. What on earth was that meant to be about? I have read the relevant page on the Shetland Arts website and looked at their own website and it has still got me flumoxed. I suppose we’ll just have to agree to disagree on the funding of such things. Alternatively, just go outside on a clear, frosty winter’s night and you’ll have a fair chance of seeing the real thing.

Just to prove that I am not a total philistine, devoid of humour or any form of artistic talent, I have written a somewhat tongue in cheek poem, my own wee form of wordplay amusement, which I would like to dedicate to all the people whose letters inspired me to write it.

Ode ta da AFB

I wrat a letter ta da Times, Da Shetland News as weel,
Aboot a movie shawn tae dogs, ta tell fokk hoo I feel,
An’ da wasted public money dat gets geen awa sae free,
Ta Tammy, Dick an’ Herry. An’ noo, da AFB.

Me letter caused an uproar, boy! A veritable stink!
Dey left me in nae doot avaa, aboot da wey dey tink,
Dey said I’m grumpy, an’ plain wrang, an’ it’s my loss, you see,
Dat’s what you git fur darin’ ta upset da AFB.

I got a invitation ta attend neest year’s event,
Ta prove ta me, wance an’ fur aa’, me time wis just mis-spent,
I tried me best ta be polite, ta say it’s no’ fur me,
Ta sit atill a darkened room, among da AFB.
?
A letter dan cam wingin’ back ta emphasise me plight,
An’ noo I’m geen fae bein’ wrang, ta speakin total s***te!
But thankfully I’m no alon, fur some agree wi’ me,
Dat far ower muckle cash is geen ta fund da AFB.

Dey’re biggin’ a new beeldin’, doon yonder at Hay’s Dock,
I dunna keen foo much he’ll cost, I’ll warn hit’s a lokk,
So dey can sit in splendid, air conditioned luxury,
In da boany new heedquarters o’ da Shetland AFB.

Dey say dat hit will pey it’s wey, I don’t see hoo it can,
Less ta da most creative o’ accountants kent ta man!
White elephants’ll stampede up Broons Rodd fur aa’ ta see,
Afore we see a penny comin’ fae da AFB.

Weel fokk! Yun’s it, I’m done. I hoop you laek me rhyme!
An’ if you don’t, I’m sorry dat I’m taen upo’ your time.
Me crang’ll laekly swee in Hell, me sowel in Purgatree.
Afore I get a blissin’ fae da mighty AFB!

Colin Hunter
Brecknaheim,
Brae.